


i'll always have you

by spicedbreeze



Category: Liv and Maddie
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Depression, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, trigger warning for depressive thoughts/anxiety/idk mental health issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28651230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicedbreeze/pseuds/spicedbreeze
Summary: loosely based off the events of bff-a-rooneyjoey struggles with conflicting feelings towards his friend??? enemy?? artie.
Relationships: Joey Rooney/Artie Smalls
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	1. lonely

**Author's Note:**

> basically just me projecting onto joey for 6,000 words.  
> i've noticed a severe, severe lack of joey/artie fanfiction on the internet, so i wrote this to fill that void and also because i have an intense desire to see joey portrayed as gay or bi because every time i watch the show he strikes me as a bi guy. also i feel like him and artie would be such a good ship just because of their dynamic yknow.

“Joey!!”  
He blinked twice. Right, he was in the kitchen. It was 7:15, and school was starting in just a few minutes. Usually Liv drove everyone to school, but today she had early band practice, so he was going to have to drive since no one trusted Maddie behind the wheel (and for good reason- every time she’d driven them she’d gotten pulled over.) He’d had his license for months, but he rarely drove. He didn’t have anywhere to go. The idea of simply turning the key and being able to go anywhere he wanted was a tantalizing one, but he always felt stupid. He always felt so alone in the car, so he avoided it. Where would he even go? The library? To study? Actually that wouldn’t be a bad idea. Joey’s lack of friends forced him to devote all his time to school; consequently he had a lot of homework from being in advanced classes.  
“Joey, we’re gonna be late,” Maddie groaned.  
“Well, aren’t you bitter,” Joey said. Maddie rolled her eyes.  
In the car, Joey pulled out his car keys from his pocket. He had a dragon keychain, and while it was just something small, Joey took immense pride in it. He turned the keys and started the car. Luckily, they didn’t have to stop at Starbucks for Liv this morning.  
Even though Joey avoided driving, he had to admit that it was a little relaxing. He felt in control of something, at least, while driving. He pressed down on the accelerator pedal and sighed as the trees kept whizzing by faster and faster. Being Wisconsin and all, the drive to school was actually really scenic.  
“You missed the turn for Starbucks, idiot,” Parker chimed in from the back.  
“We’re not going since Liv isn’t here?”  
“Hey, Starbucks is for everyone, okay?”  
Joey rolled his eyes. They had enough time, he supposed he could turn around. 

Two iced coffees later, Joey pulled into the parking lot. He hated parking. He could weirdly never get it. He just kind of turned in and hoped for the best. So far he hadn’t hit any cars, but then again he rarely drove. He somehow parked, opened up the door, and started walking to his first class. Behind him, Maddie had said bye to him, but Joey didn’t hear. His own thoughts were too deafening. 

Joey groaned. He hated this class. He’d never had an aptitude for English. To make things worse, Artie was in his class. 

Artie Smalls. He was actually so fucking short. Joey towered over him. He supposed the height difference was a reason he kept Artie around- it did make him look better in comparison. Maybe that was shallow, but Joey didn’t pride himself on his moral compass. He had curly red hair that was always perfectly coiffed. Joey actually spent a lot of time looking at it, wondering how every ringlet was so perfect. Maybe it was actually a perm. Joey could never tell. 

After class, Artie caught up with him.  
“Did you do the English notes? I didn’t do them,” Artie said.  
“Even if I did, why would I share them with you?” Joey said coldly.  
“Because I asked you. Obviously.”  
That was the main difference between them. They both excelled in robotics and math, but Joey actually cared about school. Artie only had good grades in those classes because of his natural skill. Otherwise, he neglected his schoolwork. Joey usually shared his notes with him, and had even helped Artie study on occasion. Despite this, they never considered themselves friends. Every time Joey considered their relationship, Artie went and did something so selfish or unlikeable that Joey just left it. Last week, it had been the drama with the Brain Olympics trophy. They’d won the competition by teaming up, so they’d compromised by swapping ownership every week. Last week, Joey had eaten cereal out of it and Artie had been pissed, so they fought about whether to put it in the trophy case. That had led to the discovery of the prism. 

After shifting the position of one of the trophies in the case, a suspicious prism and note had been uncovered. It was like something out of a movie. The note read something along the lines of “on the tenth day of the tenth month blah blah blah” they’d find the key to open locker C23. Joey knew in the back of his mind this was a prank, but he’d still gone along with it when Artie suggested investigating it. They’d agreed to sign up for volunteering at the ‘89 reunion at their high school that Saturday specifically to do so. Joey kind of wanted to see Artie make a complete fool of himself. Besides, it’s not like he had other plans. 

As Saturday drew nearer, Joey found himself strangely excited. He supposed it was because he never had plans. Having something to look forward to gave him a new sense of urgency and motivation. He was a little annoyed that he would be spending the evening with Artie, of all people. He couldn’t really define his and Artie’s relationship. They certainly weren’t friends, but they did spend all their time with each other, albeit 90% of that time was them arguing. Maybe it was out of desperation, but Joey secretly enjoyed Artie’s company just a little. It was because of the nostalgia, he knew it. They’d been friends since elementary school, so he couldn’t imagine life without Artie constantly beside him. At the same time, Joey couldn’t stand his presence. Artie obviously had some ego issues, and it drove Joey off the wall. Everything was always about Artie. Artie, Artie, Artie. When they’d formed their band in seventh grade, it had ended because Artie refused to perform anything that wasn’t in the album of songs he wrote praising himself. His narcissism was almost comical. He was like a cartoon character trope come to life. However, he wasn’t always like this. They’d become friends in the first place because Artie had shared his lunch with him in elementary school, a deed Artie today wouldn’t even think about. Joey didn’t know why Artie had changed. He knew he had issues with his mom, but that was the extent of his knowledge. Joey didn’t have a desire to find out anything further anyways.


	2. just a little while

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> night of the reunion

It was Saturday. He had an hour to change and get to school. He had to leave soon, otherwise it would be dark. Joey didn’t trust himself to drive in the dark. He thought of himself as a coward far too often. He put on his suit, struggled for 15 minutes with his tie, and walked out the door. The dress code was strangely formal. He didn’t know that high school reunions had the potential to be this fancy. He always thought they took place in the daytime, outside or something. 

Joey walked in to see Artie scowling.  
“You’re late.”  
“Actually I’m 15 minutes early.”  
“Well, now we have to go work before we’ll get a break, so I guess the prism can wait.”  
“Fine by me. I need a break from seeing your face anyways.”  
“You did not just say that. I am drop dead gorgeous.”  
“Sure.” 

After about an hour, the boys were allowed a 30 minute break. They rushed towards the trophy case, where they’d originally found the prism and note.  
“Well, the instructions say we need to position the crystal on the top of the janitor’s broom so that the moonlight can shine through it.”  
“Actually, it’s a prism.”  
“Whatever. Well, go get the broom.” Artie shooed Joey towards the janitor’s closet. Joey rolled his eyes. He didn’t know how Artie was falling for this. It was unbelievable. He still got the broom though.  
Artie positioned the crystal (sorry, prism) on the top with some tape.  
“Well, now what?” Joey asked.  
“We have to wait for the moonlight, dumbass.” Artie sneered.  
Joey bit the inside of his lip. Trading insults with Artie was second nature to him, but even still, he hated when Artie called him a dumbass. It reminded him too heavily of when Maddie used to bully him.  
Apparently, Joey’s discomfort was visible on his face.  
“What’s the matter?” Artie asked, but not in a pleasant way. He was scowling. He looked annoyed.  
“Nothing.” Joey said. Artie shrugged and continued on as normal, but Joey noticed he had stopped with the biting remarks.  
“While we wait, we could play eye-spy or something.”  
“Isn’t that a child’s game?”  
“Well, do you want to wait here in silence? Because I sure don’t. Just being in your presence is torture enough.”  
“Fine. Whatever.”  
“I spy, with my little eye-”  
“The prism!”  
“Damn, I knew that was too obvious-”  
“No, the prism! It’s working!”  
Indeed it was. Somehow, the light from the moon was bright enough to shine through the window and illuminate the prism. Light bounced off the prism and shone on the school’s porcupine mascot statue. Suddenly, a small drawer on its base opened.  
Joey was in shock. How was this working? Either this prank was much more elaborate than he had originally thought, or it wasn’t a prank at all.  
“It’s working, oh my god,” Joey exclaimed. Artie was jumping up and down. Without thinking about it, they went in for a hug, but abruptly pulled away. Joey furrowed his brows. Had he just hugged Artie? He dusted off his blazer and scowled. Artie was equally as disturbed.  
They walked over to the drawer. Joey picked up the key.  
“The key of power,” he said, reading off the engraving.  
“And it’s mine!” Artie yelled. He snatched the key out of his hand and started running upstairs, where the C lockers were.  
Joey rolled his eyes and chased after him. It was better Artie opened it anyway, it was still probably a prank. He found Artie standing next to the locker.  
“Why aren’t you opening it?” Joey said.  
“Because that would be utterly stupid. You’re going to open it, of course,” Artie said, grinning.  
“What? No. You have the key, you open it.”  
“Don’t be so dense. Just open it.”  
“No, dude. I’m not going to open it. It’s a prank anyways.”  
“You think I didn’t pick up on that? Of course I knew it was a prank. I’m not stupid.”  
“Your D in English would suggest otherwise.”  
Artie’s ears turned red. “Don’t bring my grades into this!” he yelled. Immediately, Joey knew he had touched a nerve. He’d never seen Artie react like that before.  
“Fine, fine. But I’m not opening it. I only came because I wanted to see you get pranked.”  
“As did I.”  
They were at a standstill. Joey started to laugh.  
“What exactly about this situation is funny?” Artie sneered.  
“Nothing, nothing. Oh, give it to me. I’ll fucking open it,” Joey said. He took the key from Artie’s hand and reluctantly opened the locker. Suddenly, he felt his gut clench. It had been a prank after all, and as soon as he’d opened it a large boxing glove had flown right out and punched him in the stomach. Joey fell over backwards and clutched his stomach.  
Behind him, Artie had broken out in hysterical laughter. “Well, well well,” he said. He walked closer to Joey and gently kicked his leg. Suddenly, Joey heard a thud. Artie had also fallen over. He began laughing. The locker had been rigged with 2 boxing gloves.  
Suddenly, they heard footsteps. Several parents attending their reunion that night had appeared, and they were doubled over with laughter. This was clearly their prank.  
“Look guys, it worked! Oh, and it got my own kid! How funny is that?” a woman with red hair said. Joey assumed that was Artie’s mother. He’d never met Artie’s mother actually. He’d never even been to Artie’s house, since he’d always insisted on going to Joey’s.  
Artie scowled. “Mom? This was your senior prank?”  
She nodded, still laughing. Then her eyes widened. “Artie, is this that nice boy Joey you’re always going on and on about?” she said, pointing at Joey.  
“I do not, quit talking mom!” Artie screamed.  
Joey’s mouth was upturned. He started laughing. So this was what Artie thought of him.  
“Aww, did your mommy just say that...you love me?” he said teasingly.  
“Shut up,” Artie said abruptly.  
The parents had walked away by then. Joey and Artie sat up, their backs pressed against the lockers. The hallway was deathly quiet, and the lights were dimmed.  
“What was that with your mom?” Joey asked playfully. However, Artie looked deeply upset.  
“She probably made that up. Just know, Joey, that I despise you with every fiber of my being.”  
“As do I.”  
“And I’m going to delete your contact from my phone.”  
“The fact that I was even in your phone tells me all I need to know.” 

They sat in silence for a while. Joey didn’t really want to get up. It was weirdly peaceful, just him and Artie in this hallway. For the first time in years, he didn’t feel alone. He spent every day with Artie, but deep down he’d still felt lonely. He’d felt lonely his entire life. Everyone around him looked down on him, even his own family. Even Parker. Parker was equally as weird as him, but somehow still had friends. Parker still made fun of Joey. He didn’t admit it to anyone, but it hurt. He felt so alienated from his family. He was always the butt of every joke, always seen as incompetent. Especially by his sisters. Maddie always made fun of his rather nerdy interests, and he knew she didn’t mean any harm, but it still hurt. It hurt him so much. Every time he even spoke to his family he always left feeling emptier than before, so he usually spent his time alone, holed up in his room which he unfortunately shared with Parker. His loneliness was slowly eating him alive. Every day felt like more of a struggle. He always felt on the verge of tears. Walking by everyone in the hallways, he felt even more alone. Everyone had friends, everyone but him. What was wrong with him? Maybe he was just that unlikeable. Maybe everyone was right but he was so dense and he couldn’t see it. His chest clenched just thinking about it. He felt like he was drowning, constantly drowning, the water rising higher and higher every second. He was trapped. He was trapped in a bubble and he couldn’t escape. He felt so misunderstood. Everyone just knew him as the ‘cat shirt guy,’ or for how annoying he was, or for some random humiliating incident that took place in seventh grade. Otherwise, no one gave a fuck about him. He was surrounded by people, but he knew none of them cared. He could feel it. And suddenly he realized why he still hung around Artie. Sure, Artie insulted him daily, but he never felt the judgement he felt from everyone else when he was with Artie. Artie just argued with Joey for the sake of arguing. It was never about Joey as a person. Artie accepted Joey in that sense, perhaps because they were so alike. When Artie decided to set his ego aside, as did happen on occasion, they had a lot of the same interests and quirks. Artie was like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in a long time, Joey could inhale.  
He looked over at Artie. His eyes were shut. Joey gently tapped him to make sure he was still awake. His eyes opened.  
“What?” Artie said quietly.  
“Nothing, I was just checking if you were asleep.”  
“Oh, well I’m not I guess.” Artie pursed his lips and looked away.  
“Are you okay?” Joey asked. Ever since his mom had showed up, Artie had been acting especially weird.  
“Yeah, of course. I’m just tired kind of.”  
“Are you sure?” Joey asked. He noticed Artie’s eyes watering.  
Artie said nothing, but grabbed Joey’s hand. Joey raised his eyebrows. This was very out of character for Artie. Maybe what was happening with Artie was more serious than he thought. Joey put his arm around Artie. They sat there for a little while, just a little while.


	3. warmth

That night, Joey couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop replaying what had just happened in his mind. Artie grabbing his hand, them sitting there. It filled him with an inexplicable warmth. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Artie never acted like that. Suddenly, Joey was filled with worry. He reached over for his cell phone and punched in Artie’s number. He had him in his contacts, but Joey for some reason always preferred manually typing in everyone’s numbers. It just felt more exciting somehow. It was around 1am, so he wasn’t expecting Artie to pick up, but he did.   
“What do you want, Joey?” Artie asked. He sounded tired.   
“Nothing, sorry. This was a stupid idea.”   
“No, wait. I’m awake now. What’s up?”   
“Nothing, I just wanted to check on you I guess.”   
“Oh, that? I’m fine now. But thanks. I guess.”   
“Yeah, okay.”   
Strangely, the silence that followed wasn’t awkward at all. Just knowing Artie was on the other end of the call was enough. Joey set his phone next to him and laid down. He shut his eyes. 

~  
Monday morning, and Joey awoke with a smile. He decided to order an extra iced coffee at Liv’s daily Starbuck detour for Artie. Maybe he’d like it. However, Liv was suspicious.   
“Who are you giving it to?” she said, eyebrows raised. “Is this about a girl?”   
Joey violently shook his head. “No, I just want 2 iced coffees. Is that weird or something?”   
“No, but usually you’re unenthusiastic about coffee. Today you were practically jumping up and down upon pulling into the drive thru.”   
They had him surrounded. Joey simply chose not to answer the question. Liv and Maddie exchanged secretive smiles, and for some reason that drove Joey up the wall.   
“I said it’s nothing, okay? Just stop!” he screamed. Immediately, he felt regret. Maddie just shook her head and turned back around.   
Joey had always been jealous of their bond. He didn’t have that kind of connection with anyone, but theirs was built in. And even if they were close, they could still like, yknow, talk to him sometimes. The only times they spoke to him were on the drive to school every morning and the drive back. 

Upon entering the building, Joey sped straight to his first period English classroom to find Artie. He was sitting outside on the floor, intensely staring at his phone. Joey tapped his shoulder.   
“Hey, you scared me.” he said. He was being strangely civil today.   
“I brought you iced coffee.” Joey held the coffee in his outstretched hand. Artie’s eyes lit up and he took a sip.   
“Thanks. How’d you know I liked iced coffee?”   
“Well, I do spend all my time with you even though I do hate you.”   
Artie just smiled. Joey raised his eyebrows. Artie was being so weird today.   
“Can you give me your English notes?” Artie asked reluctantly.  
“Sure.” Joey pulled out his notebook from his backpack and handed it to Artie, who snapped some photos.   
“You know, you fell asleep on the phone that night you called me. Did you even realize that?” Artie said.   
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Joey said. He shrugged his shoulders.   
Artie laughed. “You’re such an idiot.”   
Joey smiled back.   
“How’d you even know it was me? I thought you deleted my contact,” he said cheekily.   
Artie rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t do that when you’re my only contact other than my mom.”   
“So you admit it then? You’re a loser?”   
“Shut the fuck up.”   
Joey felt closer to Artie than he’d ever felt. He looked at Artie, who was looking at him. He never noticed that Artie’s eyes were actually hazel. They were quite beautiful, actually. Joey felt weird all of a sudden. His stomach was twisting and turning. He suddenly felt sick. What was happening to him?   
Luckily, the bell rang and he had an excuse to turn away from Artie’s penetrating gaze.   
All throughout English, Artie and Joey kept making eye contact. Did he feel it too? Did he feel it back then?   
He had to have felt it. Joey felt like he was going crazy. Maybe him and Artie were becoming real friends. Maybe they could get iced coffee together after school, like other people did. Maybe Artie could even come over to his house after school so they could study together. But this was all just a fantasy. Only someone as lonely as Joey would daydream about having Artie over at his house. It was so weird. Joey felt like all his animosity towards Artie had disappeared overnight. Or maybe Joey was so lonely he was imagining it all. No, he couldn’t be, because right now Artie was smiling at him from across the classroom. Had their Saturday night endeavor meant that much to Artie that he’d changed his entire character?

After class, Joey approached Artie.   
“Hey, do you want to maybe come over? Like to my house?” Joey asked. As soon as he said it, he regretted it. He was obviously moving too fast. Just a few days ago, Artie would have spit in his face if Joey had asked him that. But today, Artie nodded. And Joey smiled.   
Maybe things were really changing for the better. Maybe Joey wouldn’t have to spend the rest of his high school years alone. Maybe he could actually have a friend. No, that was bullshit. He didn’t understand how their dynamic could have so fundamentally changed so quickly. It was like Artie had become an entirely different person. Joey thought back to that Saturday night when they’d held hands. Had that really meant that much to Artie?


	4. accidental kiss

“I’ll get it!!” Liv exclaimed as she ran towards the front door. She opened the door, horrified, to see Artie standing there.   
“No Artie, I’m not going to go to prom with you.”   
“While your ravishing beauty is almost irresistible, I must resist. I’m just here to study with Joey,” Artie said.   
“Oh, well okay,” Liv said quizzically. Joey could tell by the look on her face that she felt almost insulted that Artie hadn’t shown up for her. He supposed she was entitled to that ego- she was gorgeous, plus kind of famous.   
Joey motioned for Artie to follow him upstairs to his and Parker’s room.   
“Parker, get out,” Joey said sternly.   
“Why? This is my room too. What, are you guys going to make out and don’t want me to see?” Parker said with a sly smile. For some reason, Joey felt flustered.   
“What the hell? No, we just want some peace and quiet,” he said. Parker shrugged his shoulders and left. Joey shut the door.   
“Finally, some peace.”   
“Your room is filthy,” Artie said. “Just as I thought, you’re a slob.”   
“At least I’m passing English,” Joey said. Just like the other night, Artie’s ears turned red and he scowled.   
“Okay, sorry. Let’s just study, okay?”   
Artie didn’t say anything. He opened his backpack and got out their homework for that night. They worked in silence. Joey wanted to apologize, but he didn’t know how. Well, might as well try it now.   
“Hey Artie, I’m so-”  
“I detest you.” Artie said plainly. Joey shut his mouth in confusion.   
“Okay, well if you detest me so much, why don’t you get out of my house?” Joey said, the anger in his voice rising.   
“Okay, I think I will!” Artie screamed. He gathered his things and started walking towards the door. Joey reached out and grabbed his hand.   
“Please don’t leave. I’m sorry I said that,” he said.   
Artie nodded. “I’m sorry too. I don’t actually detest you. Just strongly dislike.”   
Joey smiled. He realized he was still holding Artie’s hand and abruptly tore his hand away. He felt his face getting hot and his heart rate quicken. He looked over at Artie and saw his cheeks were also flushed. So he did feel it. Joey couldn’t pinpoint what that feeling was, but he knew he wasn’t crazy. 

They finished their assignment after about an hour, and Artie stood up.   
“I guess I should get going,” he said. Joey grabbed his hand again.   
“No, uh, we should study for the quiz next week a little first.” Joey was trying to concoct an excuse to spend more time with Artie, although he wasn’t sure why. Artie nodded and sat back down. However, instead of pulling out study materials, they just sat there, still holding each other’s hand.   
“I’m sorry about earlier by the way,” Joey said. “About the grades thing.”   
“It’s okay. It’s not like you said anything wrong.”   
“But I did, if it bothers you.”  
“It’s fine, it’s fine. It’s just my mom I guess. She gets on me for my grades and stuff. That’s all.”   
Joey looked at Artie. There was something else.   
“Artie, you can talk to me, you know.”   
“I don’t know. It’s just my mom I guess,” he said in a barely audible whisper. “I feel like she doesn’t love me, or even like me. But that’s stupid I guess.”   
“It’s not stupid; clearly you’re upset,” Joey said. “I’m not good at advice, but I’ll listen to you.”   
“I just never feel good enough. And no one likes me. And I’m just ugly, and fat, and everyone loves Diggy more than me. And I hate it. I hate myself.”   
Joey understood Artie’s narcissism now. It was a defense thing, to make up for his feelings of inadequacy, no doubt caused by his mother.   
“I feel you on the Diggy thing. I always feel like everyone loves my siblings more. I’m just so insignificant compared to them.”   
Artie didn’t say anything, he just nodded.   
They sat like that for a little while.   
~   
“I should really get going. My mom will be waiting for me,” Artie said after some time. Joey nodded, but he felt strangely upset.  
“Are you sure? Don’t you want to, I don’t know, copy down my notes from last week?”   
“No Joey, I have to leave. Really.”   
Artie began walking towards the door. Before he knew it, Joey was following.   
“Wait, Artie-” he said, and grabbed his hand. He spun him around.   
“Seriously, what are you d-”  
Joey leaned forward and kissed Artie. It only lasted a split second, and Joey barely registered it. He quickly pulled away. Artie stood there in complete and utter shock.   
“Joey, what-”  
“Never mind! You should leave!” Joey yelled. He gently pushed Artie outside of the doorway and abruptly slammed the door. He buried his face in his hands. What had he done?   
He heard Artie’s footsteps fading away, and when he was sure Artie had left, he finally unlocked the door. Parker was right outside.   
“So, are you going to explain why you locked Artie out of our room?” he asked, eyebrows raised. He was clearly enjoying this.   
“No, just stop. I’m going to bed, goodnight.” Joey walked over to his bed.   
“Joey, it’s 6pm. Aren’t you going to eat dinner, or are you a bigger dumbass than I thought?”   
“Just stop, please. And don’t call me that.”   
“Aww aren’t you sensitive. Adorable.”   
“Just stop!” Joey screamed. He was shocked at the intensity of his voice. He didn’t know where his anger was coming from.   
Parker left, his hands in the air. “Okay, okay. Have it your way then.”   
Joey wanted to cry.


	5. sick

That night, Joey once again couldn’t sleep. His mind was racing. Artie probably hated him now, and he couldn’t even blame him. Joey had acted so recklessly. What even prompted him to do that? More alarming was the fact that Joey wanted to kiss him again. He couldn’t possibly be gay, right? He felt like his whole world was crashing down upon him, and there was nothing he could do but stand there, frozen, watching everything unravel. He knew the fact of being gay wasn’t such a big deal, but still he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He needed answers right now, at this very second, or he felt like he would explode. This couldn’t be happening. Not to him. Joey felt sick to his stomach. He was paralyzed with fear. This could not be happening to him. He didn’t hate gay people, he just never saw it happening to himself. Was he just being attention seeking to make up for his lack of friends? How would that even work? He had to be making this up. He was just making this all up. He told himself this, over and over again, in an effort to fall asleep, but in the back of his mind, he knew it wasn’t true. He knew that he probably did like Artie, and might have for some time. He still felt sick. He got up and ran towards the bathroom. He didn’t know why the simple fact of being gay drove him to being actually sick, but he felt so disgusted. He hoped no one could hear him, but that was unlikely. Joey propped himself up against the wall and buried his face in his hands. A single tear rolled down his cheek, and he brushed it away. The bathroom floor was freezing cold, and it brought Joey back to reality. This was happening to him. He didn’t think he could take much more of this. He simply couldn’t face Artie at school tomorrow. He couldn’t.   
~  
The next morning, he texted Liv that he was feeling really sick and she should drive everyone to school without him. He spent most of the day just lying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to process this new information. It was all he could think about. He tried to distract himself by playing video games or reading, but it didn’t work. He felt such a desperation in that moment. His stomach was constantly turning. He felt lightheaded. How would he ever go back to school? He didn’t want to look Artie in the eyes after what had happened. He felt he’d rather explode than ever see Artie again. Moreover, how would he even tell his parents? Just the thought was enough to make Joey feel sick. He decided to just take a nap and sleep it all off, but he unfortunately never got the chance, because the doorbell rang.   
Should he even answer it? He was home alone, and that was probably a bad idea. He peered out the upstairs window and saw Artie’s car in their driveway. It was him. Joey couldn’t answer the door. He hid under his covers like a child, paralyzed with fear.   
Artie didn’t stop ringing the doorbell. Eventually tired of his ears ringing, Joey walked downstairs and reluctantly opened the door. He knew Artie was standing outside, but when he actually opened the door to see him, he felt anxious and lightheaded once again. He felt like throwing up.  
“Joey, why weren’t you at school? I need your english notes.”   
“Just leave.”   
“No, we have to talk. About yesterday.”   
“No.” Joey tried to shut the front door, but Artie planted his foot in the doorway.   
“No. I am coming inside and we are talking,” he said firmly. Joey sighed and let him in. They sat down on the couch.   
“Well, what do you want?” Joey asked angrily.   
“Well, I don’t know. I just thought we should talk.”   
“About what?” he yelled.  
“You kissed me yesterday??” Artie said loudly. At the mention of the kiss, Joey’s eyes filled with tears.  
“Sorry,” he whispered.   
Artie didn’t say anything, but instead just leaned over and kissed Joey.   
Joey suddenly forgot everything. The world around him faded away. He wasn’t thinking about his crushing feelings of inferiority compared to his siblings, or his D in English class, or his desperation for something else out of life. There was only Artie.   
It was finally peaceful. The roaring inside his head had quieted. Joey let himself melt into the kiss. Everything in his life might be falling apart, but he knew he always had Artie.


	6. secret

“So I see you’re feeling much better,” Karen said as she unloaded the groceries she had just picked up.   
“Yeah, I guess.”  
“Help me with dinner then.”   
Joey sighed and got up to help. His mom handed him a bowl of vegetables and told him to wash and cut them. Joey was initially suspicious, since his mom usually didn’t trust him with the kitchen knife, but began anyway. They worked in silence. Unlike his other siblings, he didn’t have a very close relationship with his mom. He loved her and all, but he knew she just saw him as a lost cause. He’d only started a fire in the kitchen once and she’d never gotten over it. Joey avoided talking to her about anything anyways, since he’d heard all her snide comments she thought she made behind closed doors. Joey didn’t think publishing an online graphic novel constituted a “lost cause” but she did somehow. (this is a real plot line lmao they BASHED him for his self published graphic novel and for WHAT girl that is so COOL you’re just jealous because your only talents are throwing an orange ball in a net and being a bitch.)   
He wondered what his mom would think if she knew what he had spent the afternoon doing. Suddenly he felt sick to his stomach. He felt himself shaking, actually trembling, with anxiety. The world was closing in on him. He couldn’t live like this; in constant fear of himself. Being around his mother, knowing that he, in a split second, could forever devastate their relationship, felt suddenly like a 100 pound weight on his chest. His hand was shaking as he tried to dice the onions, and he was doing a shitty job. Unfortunately, his mom noticed.   
“Joey, you’re doing it all wrong-well what did I expect by asking you to he- here, let me help.” She grabbed Joey’s hand to guide the knife.  
“Joey, you’re shaking. What’s the matter?”   
“Nothing, I, uh, just felt a little nervous about using the knife, that’s all.”   
“Well, that would make sense. Remember the time you almost cut your index finger off?”   
“You didn’t have to remind me,” Joey said, trying not to make his annoyance evident. His mother laughed.   
“Oh, Joey…” she started. At first it sounded affectionate, but Joey knew she didn’t mean it.  
“Joey, honey, what’s the matter? You look so upset all of a sudden.”  
Joey couldn’t take it. He scoffed and angrily marched upstairs to his bedroom. He knew he was being moody and irrational, but he couldn’t control his feelings. With anger bubbling up inside him, Joey loudly slammed his door shut and sat down on his bed. Across from him was Parker’s bed. He hadn’t even thought about what Parker would have to say to him if he knew. Even though he was branded as a loser by everyone around him, he still felt a responsibility to be Parker’s role model. He supposed his coming out wouldn’t actually mean that much; it would just be another drop in the bucket. Nothing was expected of him anyways. Maybe this wouldn’t even matter. Maybe he was making it too big of a deal, like he always did.   
Joey decided the best thing to do was sleep it off. He quickly changed his clothes, got in bed, and shut his eyes tightly. It would all be okay tomorrow, or at least he hoped.   
~   
Parker shook Joey awake the next morning.   
“It’s 6:30 already, we were supposed to leave half an hour ago.” His voice dripped with annoyance.   
Joey rubbed his eyes. Enough was enough. He couldn’t sit around and mope for another day. He had enough make-up work as it was. He reluctantly got out of bed and walked over to his closet. Ironic, huh. Because he was gay. Even though the actual fact of being gay was such a small deal, Joey couldn’t stop thinking about it. It plagued his mind every second he was awake. Even when he tried to distract himself, it was there, in the back of his mind. Joey already knew the answer to the impossible question of sexuality, but he didn’t want his answer. It was so much easier to live in ignorance, like he had a week ago. He couldn’t help but wonder how it had taken him so long to figure it out. Shouldn’t he have had an inkling of a doubt years ago? He could sit there and analyze his thoughts, but he didn’t have time. He grabbed the first t-shirt he saw and pulled on his default jeans. He wore a button up on top. No, wait. Was this outfit too gay? That’s ridiculous. Clothing doesn’t define sexuality, but then again, it did, didn’t it? What if everyone had known he was gay the whole time and had left him in the dark? What if everyone had been laughing at him this whole time, silently waiting for him to come out? What if even Artie already knew? How long had he even liked Artie? Had it been for years, or was this all a phase? Maybe he was so bored with himself he had to invent a new form of entertainment. Or he was so desperate for romance he manipulated himself into doing this. He was so stupid. This was such bullshit. Maybe he wasn’t actuall-  
“Joey!” Parker screamed from downstairs. “I thought you were coming!”   
Joey blinked. Oh, right. He had to leave. He quickly ran downstairs, grabbed a granola bar from the pantry, and sat in the car with his backpack. Liv started the engine and reversed out of the driveway. Joey propped his head up with his arm and watched the raindrops travel across the car window. As the world whizzed by, Joey’s own thoughts wouldn’t stop racing. He desperately wished there was a way to turn them off, just for a moment of peace. He just needed a minute away from them. He begged himself to stop thinking, but he couldn’t. Joey began counting the trees they drove by. The route to school was a scenic one, and it usually calmed Joey. This morning, however, he found himself sweating and shaking.   
“There’s one...two...oh, is that a sycamore tree? It’s so beautiful...there’s the entrance to Artie’s neighborhood…”  
Joey felt a pit in his stomach all of a sudden.  
Artie.   
He completely forgot he would have to see Artie at school today. He didn’t know why the thought never crossed his mind. He was so busy entertaining himself with the idea of his own sexuality he completely forgot who had caused it.   
He didn’t think he could face Artie. He’d have to, seeing as Artie was in most of his classes. But at the same time, Joey desperately wanted to see Artie.   
Artie. His soft red curls, his slightly lopsided smile. His dimples. The stupid green jacket he wore every day.   
Artie.


	7. 7

Joey gathered his books and headed to English, where Artie was probably waiting for him. Joey opened the door, and there he was, sitting at his desk, flipping through The Great Gatsby. Joey tried to avoid his eye contact as he sat down at his own desk. Despite his attempted indifference, he could feel Artie’s eyes on him. He so badly wanted to look up. He felt like a ship on a stormy sea, completely at will to the angry waves that came and went, rose and fell with the extremes of his mood. He was helpless.

* * *

Artie handed him a boba tea. They sat on the curb outside of the school’s back entrance.   
“When did you have time to go get boba?” Joey asked.   
“Don’t worry about it. Being me, I can bend the rules a little. Now, tell me what’s going on.”   
Artie had corned him after the last bell rang and forced him to sit outside.   
“Nothing really, I was just going to go home before you so rudely interrupted me.”   
“I can take that boba back you know.”   
“Okay, okay sorry. Please don’t.”   
“Well, then spill. Not the boba, I paid good money for that. Do you know how far I had to drive for that?”   
“You could have just gotten me iced coffee. There’s a Starbucks 2 minutes from here.”   
“Well, I know you like boba better.” Artie’s cheeks reddened as he bit the edge of his lip.   
Joey felt his own face heating up. He stared into Artie’s hazel eyes and found himself lost in the moment.  
Artie reached over and cupped Joey’s cheek. Joey’s visceral reaction was to push his hand away. He stood up.   
Artie looked slightly hurt, and suddenly Joey was filled with regret.   
“Sorry, I don’t know why I did that.”   
“Joey, you can’t keep running away from your feelings.” Artie stood up and started walking towards the parking lot.   
Joey felt tears escaping from his eyes as he felt his throat tighten. He knew Artie was right. He walked over and grabbed Artie’s wrist.   
“You’re right.”   
Artie nodded. They sat back down on the curb.   
“What are we?” Artie asked quietly. “Us, I mean. Like what are we? Are we friends, or something else?”   
“I don’t know,” Joey said reluctantly.   
They sat in silence for a few more minutes. It started getting chilly, so Artie gave Joey his green jacket. It smelled just like him.   
“When did you know you were...y'know...?” Joey asked in a barely audible whisper.  
“Gay?” Artie said quizzically.  
Joey nodded. Just saying the word in his mind caused him to feel ashamed. If he said it out loud, it would be like confirming the truth. Just thinking about saying it made Joey’s stomach drop.   
“Well, I guess I knew around middle school,” Artie began. “Around seventh or eighth grade I think.”   
“But how did you know?”   
“I didn’t for a while. It was like, in the back of my mind I knew the truth, but it took some time to fully admit it to myself.”   
“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Joey finally admitted. He exhaled heavily. “Artie, I...I just don’t know. I can’t relax until I know the answer, and even if I know the answer already, I hate it. I hate it so much. If I am what I think I am, I hate it. I hate it so much.”   
Artie put his arm around Joey.   
“I don’t want to speak for you, but I think you already know the answer, even if you refuse to let yourself accept it. I mean, have you even said the words out loud yet? ‘I’m gay?’”   
“Well, no. But I’m going to. I’m going to try to. Because, well, I really like you.”   
Artie smiled. “I like you too, Joey.”  
With Artie’s hand in his, Joey let himself fade into the moment.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well folks i told yall this was a purely self indulgent fic i wrote for a nonexistent fandom purely to cope with my own internalized homophobia and here we are indeed, the peak of the story probably lmao i almost cried writing this bc i pulled everything from this time i tried to come out to my friend and i had an anxiety attack but i'm a crap writer so it's probably just rlly melodramatic and bad so sorry lmao

Joey stared at himself in the bathroom mirror under the blinding blue lights.   
“Just say it.”   
He willed himself to say it. Looking directly into his reflection, his swollen eyes began tearing up again.   
He couldn’t say it.   
He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out. He willed himself, with every fiber in his body, with every ounce of motivation and courage and energy he could scrounge up, to just say it. To say the words out loud he had been screaming at himself in his mind for days.   
“I’m gay,” he whispered.   
He did it. He said it out loud.   
This felt so unfamiliar. Just last week, he was just living life as normal. Arguing with Artie every week during robotics club, going to the movies every weekend with Liv, working on his online graphic novel, trying to figure out how to get a girlfriend.   
Now everything was different. In the span of only a couple of days, everything around him had changed. He felt like any normalcy in his life had crumbled, and all he could do was watch it fall apart. His entire view of himself had changed so drastically, and so quickly. Joey’s only remaining question was how he didn’t know before. Artie and all the other hundred people whose coming out videos Joey watched on youtube all knew they were gay as a child or in middle school, but Joey was 16, nearly 17. He felt so behind. Everyone had known years before him and he was playing catch up. He didn’t have a single memory of thinking he might like guys. When Joey thought about it, he remembered liking girls in his class. Maybe he never really liked them. But he couldn’t open the gay or bi can of worms yet. All he knew right now that he was gay in some capacity. And that maybe Artie was his boyfriend. He wasn’t sure yet; the word boyfriend hadn’t been thrown around between them yet.   
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. It was Liv. Joey hastily exited the bathroom.  
“Wait, come back,” she said. Eyebrows raised, Joey turned around.   
“Why exactly do you want to talk to me? Where’s Maddie?”  
“I don’t want to talk to her right now, I want to talk to you. Can you cooperate, please?”   
Joey didn’t want to further irritate Liv, especially since she was the one he got along the best with in the family.   
Liv motioned for Joey to follow her, then walked to her bedroom. They sat down on Liv’s bed.   
“Well, are you gonna tell me? You’ve been acting weirdly all week. Everyone’s noticed; even Maddie is worried.”   
“I’m just stressed. I had a lot of homework this week.”   
Liv raised her eyebrows. She clearly wasn’t buying it. Eventually, Joey cracked.   
“Fine, yeah, I’m just having a rough time right now. But tell everyone not to be worried. I’m guessing they all sent you to talk to me.”   
“Not necessarily! I mean...they advised me to, but even if they didn’t, I would have anyway.”   
“Well, thanks I guess. I’m gonna go now.”   
“Joey, you can’t keep avoiding everyone. It’s not going to help. Just...talk to me!” Liv yelled. Joey turned around to see her eyes filled with tears. She really was worried. Joey felt himself starting to cry too. He sat back down and buried his face in his hands.   
“What is it, Joey?” Liv asked gently.   
“I...Liv, I think I’m…”  
Joey couldn’t make himself say it. Saying it would only be confirming the truth, and Joey didn’t think he was ready. It was easy to do in private, but telling another person? It was too much. He felt frozen, like he physically couldn’t move his mouth.  
“I’m…”   
He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t say it out loud. He was trying to, but he just couldn’t. He felt so ashamed of himself; he felt like he was drowning, trying to swim to the surface only to find the water frozen over, and all he could do was freeze to death.   
Just one word could change everything. A singular syllable, and his life could potentially never be the same again, and he was afraid. Just one word, and his life could end.   
Just one word. He could do it. Maybe.   
No, he couldn’t.   
He wanted to say it so badly, but it wasn’t coming out of his throat. He willed himself to say it, he tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. He was choking on it. Fear had turned his body to jelly.   
He told himself to just say it, but he couldn’t. He was too afraid. He was petrified, terrified, horrified, of what the outcome might be. It was an anxiety comparable to nothing he’d ever felt before.   
“Take your time,” Liv said. Smiling, she grabbed Joey’s hand and squeezed it.   
Seeing her reassuring smile gave Joey motivation.   
“...gay,” he finished with a loud exhale. The truth was out now, and he couldn’t take it back, no matter how much he wanted to. He wanted to turn and look at Liv’s expression, but he couldn’t bring himself to. The moment of suspense, not knowing what she would say or do, was killing him. It was like the world had stopped turning, and everything was frozen in place. Joey felt the most anxious he’d ever felt; his palms were damp and his knees were shaking. He felt his chest tightening; he couldn’t breathe. Anything was better than what he was feeling right now. He prayed to God that this was all a dream; he wasn’t really gay, he wasn’t sitting here, crying in Liv’s bedroom about it, he never kissed Artie, none of this was happening. He shut his eyes, trying to contain his tears. When he opened them, he was devastated to find he was still here. He wished he could die, right now, on the spot. Anything was better than this. Would she be disappointed? Would she be angry? Would she ever talk to him again? This was such a bad idea; now she would tell everyone. She had too much information. He felt naked and vulnerable, right there in front of the whole world for them to laugh at him. They were laughing, weren’t they?? They were laughing at him. He could hear it ringing in his ears.They would most definitely laugh at him. His heart had been ripped out of his chest and his life was in the palm of someone else’s hand.   
And suddenly he couldn’t breathe. All the oxygen in the air had completely vanished. He felt himself breathing harder and harder, gasping for oxygen, trying to catch it with his pale, bony, bare hands, just a drop, but it kept escaping him. He couldn’t breathe. He was suffocating; right now, right here, and he was dying. He was going to die, right at this very moment. He was going to die. He was dying right now, sitting on Liv’s bed. He was dying. Dying would be better than seeing if Liv was disgusted with him. He was disgusting. He was disgusting, and sickening, and gay. And he hated it. He hated every second of it. How did he let himself become this way? This was all his fault. And now, for the rest of his life, he'd have to walk around, holding his breath, never feeling quite safe anywhere, always one step away from losing someone. Just because he was gay. And he hated it.  
His fingernails were digging into his palms as he clenched his fists. He couldn’t control it. His arms were shaking; he felt out of control. A loud sob escaped his lips.   
He felt Liv put her arm around him. She pulled him closer.   
“It’s okay,” she said. She let Joey cry for a little while in her arms.   
“You’re not gonna tell anyone, right?” Joey said after a while.   
“I promise, I won’t.”   
“Are you surprised?”   
“Not really.”   
“So then did you know already?”   
“No.”  
Joey cried until he had no tears left.


	9. 9

The next day, Joey awoke with a renewed spring in his step. His conversation with Liv yesterday had given him some surprising closure, and he was just excited to see Artie again. Today, they were going to go get frozen yogurt after school. Joey had no idea whether it counted as a date or not, but either way he was just happy to spend time with Artie. 

As soon as the last bell rang, Joey sprinted out the door to the parking lot to look for Artie.   
“Where could he be?” he muttered.   
“I’m always closer than you think, Joseph,” a voice from behind him said. Joey jumped in surprise.   
“Artie?”   
“Well yeah, who else? Anyways, let’s go.”   
Artie opened the passenger seat door and Joey climbed into his green Subaru.   
“Thank you, kind sir,” he said playfully.   
Artie smiled and started his car. Soon, they were driving on an idyllic route obscured behind the trees.   
“I’ve never driven this way before; where are we?” Joey asked.   
“You’ll see, just be patient.”   
“You know, it kind of feels like you’re trying to kidnap me- luring me in with sweets and all.”   
“I mean, I’m sure you’d be stupid enough to fall for a ruse like that. You’re lucky I’ll always be there to bail you out.”  
The woods around them were perfect- they looked like the images you’d find on a nature-themed calendar. Vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows dotted the tree branches and peppered the ground. Joey felt like he could taste the crisp autumn air from inside the car. He saw a squirrel scurry up a tree and smiled. This moment was perfect; he wanted to bottle it up and preserve it forever. He felt himself, finally, at peace. Across from him, Artie was lip synching the wrong lyrics to the radio. Joey felt his heart swell. 

Finally, they reached the froyo place. Upon entering, Artie headed straight for the free sample cups. Artie was very analytical about his froyo; he insisted on tasting everything so that they could perfectly curate the best possible combination of flavors. Plus, free samples.   
At last, they sat down at a table in the very back of the store. As they ate, they talked about their upcoming physics project, the latest in their favorite graphic novel Voltage, and everything in between. Joey’s heart felt lighter than it had ever felt. He was floating. He felt on top of the world. Nothing else mattered anymore; just him and Artie, eating frozen yogurt together. On a date. Or what he hoped was a date at least.   
“So, Artie, are we like...boyfriends?” Joey asked.   
Artie paused. “Uh, technically yes? Unless you think not.”   
Upon hearing Artie’s ‘yes,’ Joey felt giddy. He couldn’t stop smiling.  
“Don’t look so happy; you look stupid,” Artie said, but he was also grinning. He grabbed Joey’s hand and held it under the table. Being with Artie, it felt like breathing fresh air after being trapped underground his entire life. It felt like their own special secret.   
He’d gotten closer to Artie’s face. Suddenly, Artie was staring intensely into Joey’s eyes. Time seemed to slow down as their faces inched closer to each other, and stopped altogether as their lips met, fitting perfectly together as if they were made for each other. Once again, Joey forgot everything: it was only him and Artie. Nothing had ever felt this right in his life. 

“Joey?”   
With ferocity, Joey pulled away from the kiss and spun around.   
“Diggie??”   
The sight of his sister’s boyfriend in that moment was one of the scariest things he’d ever experienced. He felt a sudden stab of anxiety. Joey had completely forgotten that Diggie worked at the froyo shop.   
“Diggie, please don’t te-”  
“What the hell?”   
Diggie started to back away slowly, like he was in shock.   
“Wait, Diggie, please.” Joey ran up to him and clutched his arm. “Don’t leave yet.”   
“What, are you gonna try to explain this to me?? Your...boyfriend?”   
The disgust in Diggie’s voice cut Joey like a knife, and he immediately shut up, as if acid had been thrown at him. It tasted sour. His words were like poison, and Joey was watching himself die. He let Diggie leave. He sat back down in shock. He knew he was going to tell Maddie, who would probably tell everyone. Artie put his hand on Joey’s shoulder, but he barely registered it. All he could envision was his life being ripped apart at the seams; the crashing and burning, the scorched rubble at his feet, frozen in place, unable to fix it.   
Everything was happening so fast. He’d only known himself he was gay for a few days, and now everyone else would know, all because he was careless. He was careless and idiotic and didn’t think twice about kissing Artie in public. It was his own carelessness that got him into this. He was so careless. It was all his fault. Now Artie would be outed too, and it was all his fault. His stupid fault. He was frozen in place, like his feet had been glued to the ground and he could only watch the world around him. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t move. It was too late. He was frozen in place. His feet had been glued to the ground, and he couldn’t move. He couldn’t move. He was stuck. His entire body had been frozen. He was frozen.   
Someone had ripped his heart right out of his body, and he was dying. Right at this moment, he was dying. He was going to die. Everything was over. He could already hear the laughing, the taunting, the snide remarks he knew they would make. The stares in the hallway. The disappointed stares of his parents. His parents. Would they kick him out? He always thought they would never, it was too cliche, it would never happen to him, but at that moment any outcome seemed possible. He was falling, deeper and deeper, and no one was going to save him. Even with Artie next to him, he felt alone, and desperate, and hopeless, and it was all over. His secret had been ruthlessly pried out of his hands, even though he had done everything to keep it hidden, and now everyone would see it. Everyone would know now- that he was disgusting, and selfish, and gay. He was drowning, right now, and even though he gasped for oxygen, he kept falling down, down, deeper. 

Artie led Joey back out to his car and began driving away.   
“Where do you want to go?” Artie asked.   
“Anywhere else. Just not home,” Joey whispered.   
Artie nodded. Soon, they pulled up to what Joey assumed was Artie’s house.   
“You know, I’ve never been to your house before,” Joey said.   
“Well, now you have I guess.”   
They got out of the car and were soon sitting in Artie’s bedroom, sipping mugs of herbal tea.   
“This is actually really good,” Joey said. “I didn’t know you drank herbal tea.”  
“My mom is actually the one obsessed with tea; we have at least 20 boxes of tea bags in the house,” Artie said.   
Joey smiled. Artie smiled right back at him.   
After a while Artie couldn’t help but ask. “Joey, when are you going to go home?”   
He tensed up. “I don’t know. I’ll have to, I know, but I just...can’t right now. I can’t look everyone in the eyes.”   
“Maybe Diggie didn’t tell them.”   
“The way he was looking at us? I’m 1000% sure he did.”   
“I’m really sorry, Joey.”   
Joey just nodded.


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i did not have the energy to write another decent coming out scene so this sucks sorry. also i haven't come out to my parents so this is purely a projection of my own worst fears and bad thoughts bc they are no bueno w gay ppl yay conservative indian culture. is this too much information for you?? yes it is. and i'm going to share anyway because i did not in fact write this fic for anyone's own consumption i actually wrote it as an alternative to therapy because my parents firmly assert that therapy is only for white people. this fanfiction is my therapy and it is my child i will protect it with everything i have and even though i cringe every time i reread it i do not Care anymore.

Joey’s phone wouldn’t stop ringing. It was Liv. He reluctantly answered the phone.  
“Hello?” he said cautiously.  
“Joey? Oh my god, you answered. Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, why? What happened?” he asked, feigning ignorance. He already knew what likely happened. He never expected Diggie to be homophobic, but that was the joy of living in a small Midwestern town- you always had to watch your step, in case you set off a land mine.  
“Well, Diggie…”  
“Stop talking, please. I already know.”  
“Just come home. Please.”  
“Do mom and dad know?”  
“Yeah.”  
Joey’s heart sank.  
“I can’t come back. I can’t face them. I can’t talk to them today.”  
“Then where are you going to stay? You can’t keep avoiding this.”  
She was right. All he ever did was run away. First from Artie when they first kissed, then with his mom, and now this. He was just a coward. A massive coward.  
“Fine, I’ll come home.”  
“Okay. I love you, Joey. Please get home quickly.”  
Joey ended the call, and turned to face Artie.  
“Well, I’ll drop you home,” he said. He leaned over to quickly kiss Joey’s cheek, then stood up to find his car keys. Joey gathered his stuff, and soon they were driving towards his house.

* * *

As soon as Joey walked through the front door, he immediately bolted upstairs. He couldn’t face his parents, knowing that they were aware of his and Artie’s relationship. He made sure to lock the door, then frantically duct taped it shut for good measure. In the back of his mind, he understood he was being cowardly and childish, but he simply couldn’t look his mom and dad in the eyes. They knew too much. Once again, Joey felt naked, and vulnerable, tied up for the whole world to judge him and stare at him and laugh at him and taunt him and mock him and-  
There was a knock.  
It hit Joey like a bolt of lighting, shock and fear and anxiety all swirled together, electrifying his body.  
He wasn’t going to answer the door. He wasn’t a fool.  
“Joey, this is my room too you know,” Parker said.  
It was only Parker. He didn’t want to hear what Parker had to say about the whole situation, but he had to at some point. Baby steps. It was like practice for when he had to eventually face his parents.  
Joey undid his masterful duct tape meshwork and unlocked the door. Parker strolled in, hands in his pockets, eyebrows raised.  
“So, you and Artie, huh.”  
Joey didn’t respond.  
“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”  
“Is that supposed to be some sort of insult, seeing as half my closet is cat t-shirts?”  
“No, but if that’s how you interpreted it, that’s better.”  
Joey turned around. He couldn’t deal with Parker and his subtle jabs. Not when he had other things to worry about; namely, his parents. He knew his mother was going to work up quite a fuss, despite her being a literal therapist.  
“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t really care.”  
“Well, thanks Parker, but it didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it made me feel worse.” Joey scowled and Parker, sensing the mood of the room, made a run for the door. Joey collapsed against the wall and cried. Lately, it was like crying was the only thing he knew how to do. Everything was ruined. Every time something started going right, a million wrongs always stood in his way.  
He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for the whole world to truly see him, like how he really was. Being inauthentic was so much easier. Now it was too late. Even though he knew his mother had no hope left for him, this was the final straw. Her son was such a screw up, that’s probably what she was thinking. He was such a screw up. His mother didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve to have a son like this.  
His siblings were laughing at them. Maybe they already knew. Parker was smart; he’d probably picked up on it ages ago. He was just a walking stereotype. Everyone already knew. His sisters were laughing at him. Sure, Liv pretended not to, but secretly she was laughing. They were all laughing at him. Poor, stupid little Joey. He was always messed up, wasn’t he, with his stupid graphic novels and video games and lack of friends. They all pitied him. All of them. They pitied him. And now he was gay. Of course he turned out gay. The universe just really hated him. This was God’s idea of a joke. As if he wasn’t enough of an outcast already. He’d have to watch his step for the rest of his life, constantly holding his breath as he walked through life. Everyone liked to pretend they were progressive and accepting, but Joey knew the truth. This country was still so backwards. Oh, but everyone loved to forget that they’d only legalized gay marriage nationwide 5 years ago. It filled him with a boiling rage. He didn’t even know what to feel anymore. Was he angry, or sad, or scared? His picture-perfect American family was going to crumble before his eyes, just because of him. It was all his fault. 

He hadn’t even faced the worst part yet- his parents. Diggie had most certainly told them. Maybe he’d tell everyone at school too. He was the captain of the basketball team, and as much as kids pretended that the hierarchy present in most high school coming-of-age movies didn’t exist, Joey still felt its effects, every single day of his life. 

Everything was ruined.

* * *

It had been 4 hours, and Joey still hadn’t left his room. Liv had tried reasoning with him from outside, but he wasn’t having any of it. He felt more alone than he’d ever felt in his entire life. There truly was no one there for him.  
Except Artie.  
Joey desperately wished to see Artie again. Artie would understand. No one else understood. No one could possibly understand what he was going through, no one except Artie.  
He had to get out. This house felt like a prison. He had to go see Artie again. 

Joey tried his best to be silent as he crept downstairs and grabbed his car keys. He was almost there. He was almost out of this suffocating house. If he was here, even for one more second, he was going to choke to death. 

“Joey, honey? Come talk to us.” 

Shit. His mother had seen him. Joey tried to make a run for the door, but his dad stopped him.  
That’s it. He couldn’t escape this one. He had to face the inevitable, and now was as good a time as any.

* * *

Joey sat, silent as death, lips glued shut, on the couch while his mother repeatedly prodded him for answers.  
“Joey, please tell us what’s going on,” she said.  
“I’m sure you already know. There’s nothing else for me to say.” The venom in his own voice scared Joey.  
“There is no need to take on that tone-”  
“There’s no point! Just let me leave!” Joey screamed.  
“No, you are not stepping foot outside this living room until we discuss...your situation.” She winced as she finished her sentence, which did nothing but cause tears to form in Joey’s eyes.  
His father sat across from him, blank-faced. The look on his face screamed he’d rather be anywhere else but here.  
“There’s nothing to discuss,” Joey said.  
“Yes, there is. How are you going to explain what Diggie told us?”  
It was time. He had to tell them. There was no way he could weasel himself out of this one.  
They already knew anyways. He just had to confirm it.  
He just had to say it. Just say the two words.  
He couldn’t.  
He felt himself freeze up again, just like when he told Liv. His vision blurred. He felt like he was watching himself from above, like he wasn’t even in the room. He was just watching himself.  
His parents were staring at him. Was that disappointment in their eyes? Of course it was. They’d only ever looked at him like that. They didn’t expect anything of him. He was just a black stain on their family. It would be better if he just didn’t exist. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to escape the piercing stares of his parents. They were disappointed. It was almost worse than them being angry. Their eyes pierced a hole in him, and he was bleeding out onto the floor, the stain of red a cruel reminder that he was on the brink of death. He was dying.  
His knees were shaking as if a gun were pointed to his forehead, and metaphorically, one was. He felt himself hyperventilating again. His life was ending, right now, right here, in this living room, and there was nothing he could do about it. His parents knew. He had never felt so helpless in his life. His life was being dangled in front of him on a string, and all he could do was watch. He felt naked, vulnerable, his biggest secret exposed, out in the open for everyone to see. Everyone could see him now, and he didn’t want them to. Someone was shining the spotlight right into his eyes, blinding him. Everyone could see him. Everyone could see him.  
“Well, Joey, what do you have to say for yourself?” his mother said, her voice rising.  
Suddenly, something inside of Joey snapped.  
He was so sick of it. He was so sick of crying, of hiding, of moping around.  
“Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”  
He had done it.  
The damage was done.  
He reluctantly looked up at his mom’s expression, and to his horror, saw anger in her eyes.  
“No, Joey, you’re just confused-”  
“No I’m not! How can you even tell me what I am, and what I am not. You don’t know anything about me!”  
“Well, I do know that you’re definitely not g-”  
“That’s it. I’m leaving.”  
“No, you’re not. You are not stepping foot outside this house. Not until we get to the bottom of this.”  
“Of what, Mom? The fact that I’m gay? Well, I’m sorry to inform you but there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t fix me, because I’m not someone who needs to be fixed. This is just how I am.”  
“No, Joey, just listen to us-”  
“No!”  
Tears sprang to Joey’s eyes as he buried his face in his hands.  
“Joey, just listen to me. We can fix this, okay? Look, I know someone-”  
Joey gasped in horror.  
They wouldn’t.  
They couldn’t.  
This was really happening to him.  
His mother was a therapist, for God’s sake! Why was she acting like this?  
In the blink of an eye, it was all over. It had gone exactly how Joey had anticipated.  
“No, Mom, I’m not going to let you ‘fix’ me. I don’t need fixing. This is just who I am,” he said, his voice cracking. A tear slid down his cheek.  
“Well, I’m not going to live with a gay son. This is absolutely disgusting. Go to your room,” she said sternly.  
Joey made a run for the front door. He just barely escaped. He immediately started the car and sped to the only place he felt welcome.


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry everyone is very out of character here bc i have entirely given up on the story and in fact i only use this for my own personal issues as an alternative to therapy because i'm sad and gay and anxious. not my best work, i won't lie, but i only write this for myself. and i need to stop blabbing in the notes but i feel like i have to keep giving disclaimers because i don't want anyone to read this and think it's the extent of my writing ability because i know i can do better lmao. this is honestly the longest thing i've ever written and i'm having trouble being consistent since i've been writing it over a few months and my style and whatnot keeps changing and the pacing and events and characters and everything. this was actually only supposed to be like a quick 2k word fic but it has spiraled and now i have to finish it at some point and i genuinely have no idea how. okay i'll shut up now sorry.

“Do you think people at school know?” Artie asked apprehensively.  
“I’m not sure. I don’t think that Diggie cares that much about me, even.”  
He told your parents though.”  
Joey was reminded of when Diggie first saw them. How the look of disgust on his face made him feel like throwing up.  
It hadn’t even been 24 hours.  
“Well, I guess we’ll have to see at school then.”  
Even though he tried playing it cool, Joey felt that familiar anxiety creeping up on him again when he thought about stepping foot in there. But he had to go. He had to stop running away from everything. He realized the irony in that, seeing as he had technically run away from home last night, but he promised himself this would be the last time.

* * *

He could feel their stares drilling holes in his backside. They were looking at him. Everyone was. Well, maybe not everyone, but it felt like everyone. It wasn’t even because he was gay, it was because he was Joey Rooney. Ridgewood High’s token nerd. A laughing stock. Untalented. Ugly.  
He hadn’t spoken to any of his family members in hours. He was considering hiding in the bathroom the whole day, just so he didn’t have a chance encounter with his mother in the hallway.  
He tried to calm his breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. Despite his efforts, his chest was tightening. His hands were trembling. His breathing was shaky. This anxiety was second nature to him at this point. This entire week had been a nightmare.  
He didn’t want to face his parents. He didn’t want to face his sisters. Maddie would surely laugh at him, Parker would tease him. His mother and father had made some rather dangerous-sounding statements the previous evening.  
He couldn’t do it.  
He’d rather die.  
It seemed so warm. So comforting.  
The thought of death.  
Most of his middle and high school experience had been marked with the familiar pull of temptation, visions of blood and guns and empty pill bottles scattered throughout his thoughts. But he’d never given in. He thought of himself as too strong to succumb.  
But now, he truly felt it.  
When he was around 7 years old, one of his neighbors had held a funeral. The couple next door’s son had committed suicide, and his parents were invited to the ceremony. Joey remembered asking them what had happened in the car one day.  
“How did he die?” he’d asked.  
He remembered his mother looking a bit disturbed, her hands shaking slightly as she turned the corner.  
“Sometimes, people feel so sad, that they feel compelled to end their own life.”  
Joey remembered being confused. “How can someone even be that sad? How is that even possible?”  
“It’s just how people feel sometimes,” his mom had said.  
Joey remembered being baffled. He couldn’t comprehend what could drive someone to take their own life.  
He understood that feeling now, and was feeling it with a ferocity and drive he had never felt before.  
“Joey? Hey, are you alive?”  
Artie snapped his fingers. Joey blinked.  
“Oh, it’s you.”  
“I’ve been here the whole time. You just started zoning out. Are you okay?”  
Joey didn’t answer. Artie seemed to understand his silence and wrapped his arms around Joey.  
He stiffened.  
“Artie, why are you doing this where everyone can see?”  
He let go.  
“Sorry.”  
“They’ve been looking at me all morning. Everybody has. I can feel it.”  
“Give it a few days, and no one will care anymore. I promise.”  
“How is this not bothering you?” Joey yelled, finally snapping. “Diggie outed you too! How are you dealing with this so calmly?”  
He felt Artie’s grasp around him tighten. “I’ve known I was gay for years. You just figured it out. That has to be stressful. And then, when you’ve finally come to that realization, everyone knows. You barely had any time to process it.”  
Joey felt himself starting to cry again. Lately, he always felt on the verge of tears, like one more inconvenience would be enough to push him over the edge.  
“I can’t do it, Artie.”  
Artie nodded. “Are you going to go to class?”  
“I don’t know,” he started. “I told myself after last night that I was done running away, but I’m too scared. I’m just a coward.”  
Artie turned around to face him, placing his hands on Joey’s shoulders. “Joey. You are not a coward. None of this is your fault.”  
“See Artie, I know that it isn’t my fault, but I can’t help feeling guilty anyway.” Joey brushed away the tears on his cheeks with the back of his hand.  
Artie said nothing and pulled Joey in for a hug. Joey could hear his heartbeat, feel the steady rise and fall of his chest. He smelled like hair gel and peppermint- typical Artie. Joey felt his own breathing slow down. He planted a quick kiss on Artie’s neck. Joey didn’t want to let go, and it didn’t seem like Artie wanted to either. So they didn’t.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Hideously Romantic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29385303) by [Hamilton_stars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamilton_stars/pseuds/Hamilton_stars)




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